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Top 3 (Not So Serious) Kit Sponsors for Minnesota United’s MLS Debut

Sure, we should probably get a full roster before we worry about kits but let’s not let details slow us down.


It’s 2017, baby!

There always seems to be a “forgotten week” between Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve when team news is scarce and we (rightfully) turn our attention to things outside the pitch.

But that’s behind us now and there is a long list of announcements, signings, and updates we’re waiting to hear from MNU HQ. From an updated stadium construction timetable to the rumored splashy signing of Daniel Calindres from Costa Rican powerhouse Saprissa, there is plenty of juicy news that’s coming but not quite here yet.

Speaking of news that is definitely coming soon, let’s talk kits.

I don’t think I’m alone in wishing United had been able to release their debut MLS kit before the Christmas holiday. Plenty of Loons supporters cracked open Christmas gifts this year and found last year’s scarf or jersey. That’s not so much a bad thing (the NASL kits look fantastic) as it is a missed opportunity. Sure, there are a few placeholder Adidas items in the MLS store with our logo on it but that’s a far cry from a shiny new Davis jersey under the tree.

I assume the league has a good idea of where kit designs stand but that doesn’t necessarily correlate to when we fans will get a peek. At the very least, we will know the final design before the squad takes the pitch in early February in the Portland Timbers’ pre-season tournament.

To help tide us over until then, here are the top three kit sponsors we’d suggest to the United brass.


DC Comics

The rumor mill is in overdrive as we head into the early days of 2017 that the United front office is hard at work signing both Christian Ramirez and Miguel Ibarra. If true, it would be a reunion of epic proportions for a pair that enjoy a lot of love and local support in Minnesota from their days together in NASL.

Before Ibarra left on a rumored $1M transfer to Liga MX side Club León, the pair were affectionately known as Batman and Superman.

“We were at the store and saw a Batman and a Superman shirt,” Ramirez said in an interview with “We thought it’d be funny to put it on and show the fans at the end of the game. It was at TCF Bank Stadium when we played Ottawa. We showed the Dark Clouds and they went crazy.”

While Zach Snyder’s Batman and Superman movies are ... less than ideal ... Ramirez and Ibarra continue to be loved statewide. Let’s strike while the irons are hot and forge a partnership with DC Comics. There are far worse kit sponsors than a comic/movie powerhouse.

Heath Toffee Bars

Adrian Heath ... Heath Bars ... see what I did there? Come on, this one practically writes itself!

While this sponsorship is decidedly not creative, it is delicious and would look pretty cool on our kits if the Hershey Company is willing to print the brand in a color other than brown.

The tasty treat could also mean a sweet partnership between Hershey and the Loon’s concession stand. Are we even allowed to sell Heath Bars at TCF Bank Stadium? I have no idea. They may have an exclusive deal in place with another candy company for all I know but it’s sure worth a shot.

Heaths for Heath. Let’s get it done.

Social Cider Werks

While it’s unclear whether Justin Davis’ famed post-win cider chug will be kosher as the team moves up to MLS, we may as well hope for the best and lock in a cider-based title sponsor now.

Former Minnesota United head coach Carl Craig gave the celebratory ritual a thumbs up last spring.

“I’m jealous; it should have been me,” said Craig, who earned also earned his first home win Saturday. “I just learned about that on Monday morning. It’s good fun. Whilst that never exists with the teams in MLS and their fancy stadiums … there are things right now that create that little connection or help keep the connection between the fans and the players. I think the longer you hold onto that type of thing, the better.”

Let’s hope MLS isn’t too stuffy of a league for a little after-match fun with the lads. Social Cider Werks is an awesome local cider company that would be a perfect fit for a shiny new kit and some old, well-worn team traditions.

Dragon FC v Saprissa - Scotiabank CONCACAF Champions League 2016/17 Photo by Marlon Gomez/LatinContent/Getty Images

BONUS: Saprissa

I sincerely hope we manage to sign Saprissa’s Daniel Colindres but even if we don’t, MLS at large has pulled an Edward Cullen and sucked a lot of blood out of the Costa Rican powerhouse. (#TeamJacob)

Granted, Saprissa is going to be rolling in some cold hard cash after selling so many players but that doesn’t mean that rebuilding the team will be easy. Let’s toss a small logo on our kit as a token of appreciation for basically acting like an MLS academy this offseason.

Have any other silly or serious sponsorship ideas? Drop a comment below!