Satire: What Minnesota United needs to do this offseason

We are a blog that, first and foremost, is about the fans. So, every once in a while, we like to get out and do pieces like this, ones that take the temperature of the fanabse examine some potential (though not necessarily logical) options for the season. If you get a chuckle out of this, great, but please remember that this is “fake news”.

Minnesota United has a lot of room for improvement as they head into their first real offseason. Some options are more extreme than others, but one concept is consistent: upgrades are necessary.

“A season like that deserves relegation, and nothing less,” says one promotion/relegation Twitter bot activist. “There are teams in NPSL that deserve an MLS spot more than the Loons do.”

It is certain though, that United will be playing in the first division again next season, so efforts may be better focused in improving upon results. One way to do just that would be in player personnel.

“Yeah, there need to be some changes,” points out one fan. When asked what exactly those might look like, she conceded that she has never actually been to a game because the team “didn’t seem worth my time”.

Other fans had very specific ideas on what they believe needs to happen. “It’s all o’ dem foreigners,” argues one fan, wrapped solely in an American flag. “It’s jus’ like the national team...too many darn foreigners. We need ‘mericans!”

Most were more reasonable, though no more plausible in their suggestions. “I’d like to see us be at the pinnacle of the tactical revolution,” dreams a fan who happened to be carrying around a whiteboard imprinted with a soccer pitch. “The 2-3-4-1 is all the rage in the Estonian third division. It would really fit Justin Davis’ playing style perfectly.”

But as we continued, we discovered some underlying grievances against players. “Bobby Shuttleworth, he’s too quick to go after the ball. Gotta let the play develop,” believes one fan who was wearing a badge that read ‘UEFA Class Z Coaching License’. “Francisco Calvo is always dashing back to cover for teammates—he should teach them to do better. And don’t even get me started on that Ethan Finlay. His work rate is so strong it’s terribly inefficient. We don’t need players like that in the locker room.”

We nearly thought we had come upon a fully normal-thinking fan, but alas, it was not to be. “There’s really only one player who has to go, in my opinion,” he began. “I just can’t see the point in keeping Jerome Thiesson. He just doesn’t carry his weight around here.”

It was at that moment that a loon flying above defecated on his head. We will have continued updates as he struggles to clean bird feces off of his parked car.