It’s well known that Minnesota United likes to sign wingers. And more wingers. The Loons would probably start eleven wingers if it was possible, and yet they may still. But where do all these wingers come from?
We were granted exclusive access to take a peek at a revolutionary database created and updated by the MNUFC front office which contains every player who has ever played winger—at any level, in any league, in any country. We picked three notable reports from this list to share.
Eden Hazard, Chelsea (ENG)
Notable Achievements: Ligue 1 Champion, Premier League Champion (2), UEFA Europa League Champion, Ligue 1 Player of the Year (2), Premier League Player of the Season, plus others
Scout Comments: Age is a concern; 26 is far too young for a winger. Wingers are best after playing in a cool, stable environment for five to ten years, and only worth signing if above 32. Haven’t heard much of him. Ligue 1 sounds made-up. Update: played with him on FIFA. Major asset, managed to beat Barcelona 5-0 with him. Not worth the cash though.
German Narnitski, Kohtla-Järve JK Järve (EST)
Notable Achievements: Kohtla-Järve JK Järve Joint Top Scorer (12 goals)
Scout Comments: Yeah he’s young, but the potential here is enormous. Scouting in the Estonian 3rd Division was a genius move. Negotiation shouldn’t be too difficult, and Kohtla-Järve JK Järve can’t be any harder to pronounce than Mahtomedi, right? Disclaimer: found him while watching a shady third party stream, no desire to go to Estonia (no idea where that is, but sounds cold), so this would be a shot in the dark. Really excited...he could be the next Vadim Demidov. Update: Sorry about saying Demidov would be a good idea. This kid will be the next Tyrone Mears.
Harold Roberts, Unathletic Filled-Out (ENG)
Country: Scottish (and proud of it)
Notable Achievements: U10 Trialist with Port Vale FC, Once played keepy-uppy for 7 minutes (unconfirmed), Individual West Nottingham Sunday League Treble Winner: Golden Toilet Bowl (most games played with a hangover—13), Golden Lawn Chair (most send-offs—8), and Golden Shin Guard (most games played without shin guards—18), Showed up for all 18 Sunday League games
Scout Comments: One word: Ageless. Waddles around the area generally covered by a winger relentlessly. Besides his pregame, halftime, and postgame puking, hard to tell he was out until 3 the night before. His goal celebration is purely iconic, and not all that strange for MNUFC fans: he trots over to the sideline, grabs a beverage, swears at the referee, and plops onto the ground after being sent off. Assuming club is an affiliate of Athletic Bilbao. Ageless wonder, must sign. DP?
There you have it. Your exclusive look into the scouting database utilized by Minnesota United. There are obviously many other entries that we couldn’t make public, but thi gives an idea of the players targeted by the Loons.
Writer’s Note: This is satirical. Like, not anything close to real. The front office puts much more effort into effective scouting than this. Hazard and Narnitski are both real players, Roberts is made-up. Any resemblence to a real person is unfortunately uncanny.