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Here are the Contract Details Johan Venegas is So Upset About (Satire)

What the heck is Johan Vengeas so upset about? His contract offers a few tantalizing clues.

MLS: Minnesota United FC at Toronto FC Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Andy Greder of the Pioneer Press has a great scoop about the true reason behind Johan Venegas being forced to take a day off a couple weeks ago. Turns out Johan is a little upset with the Minnesota United FC front office for not meeting certain contract obligations.

We were curious as to what type of contract obligations MNUFC may have failed to meet. Through league #sources*, we were able to obtain a copy of the Venegas contract**. Below are some of the contract details that stood out to us as potential reasons for Venegas’s frustrations with the front office.

* Let’s be honest here, folks. We don’t have sources. We’re just a blog. There were no sources for this satire.

**Nope, we don’t have a contract either. Did you hear that, Dr. Bill? No one leaked the contract. This is completely made up and should not be taken seriously. Please don’t unleash your army of United Health FC lawyers on us. We’re already broke.

Now, let’s get on with the show...

Section 1 states: "The team, media, and all fan blogs must make Johan out to be the greatest player in the world. He must get credit for every goal the team scores, regardless of who actually scores the goal.”

Well, the majority of the goal scoring attention has been paid to CR21, so we can understand why he would be frustrated by this.

Section 2, subsection G in bold lettering in states: "JOHAN MUST BE REFERRED TO AS A GOLDEN GAWD".

We thought this was kind of a weird stipulation but what do we know, this could be normal contract language.

Section 3 states : “Johan will be the only Designated Player MNUFC will ever be allowed to sign at any point as long as the franchise exists”.

Makes complete and total sense. Wait, he’s not a DP...

In Section 8, subsection Q, Line 43 states: "Johan must play every second of every game and cannot be beat out for playing time by a rookie who is clearly playing better".

We are starting to understand why he is so upset.

Section 14 clearly states: "Johan must be allowed to bathe in a tub of rose water every day after practice and games".

We are not even sure what rose water is but we want to try bathing in it.

Section 14, subsection B states: “Johan’s water bottle must be filled with fresh natural spring water from the Swiss Alps at all times. None of this tap water shit.”

Seems fair...

Section 14, subsection C states “Johan must have fresh clean natural mountain air to breathe from the Italian Alps at all times. None of this smog-ridden shit from the US.”

Wouldn’t the air from the Swiss Alps work just as well?

Section 17 states: “Since Atlanta United are the greatest team ever assembled in soccer history, MNUFC will officially rebrand to Club Football Minnesota Fighting Venegas Soccer Team of the Twin Cities Minneapolis-St. Paul, or CFMNFVSTTCMSTP.”

Arthur Blank wins again.

Section 26, subsection P states: “The team, media, all fan blogs and Johan must #BlameLeidner for anything and everything bad that happens with the club.”

We are not sure what exactly Mitch Leidner, he played that other football for the University of Minnesota, has to do with any of this but he is to blame for some of history’s biggest events.

Section 28 states “Johan is allowed to fall down at any point in a match and take a little nap while play continues on.”

So that’s what he has been doing.

Section 31 states: “Johan is allowed to try and dribble through the entire opposing defense even though CR21, Molino and Ibarra are wide open by themselves in front of the goal for an easy tap-in score”.

This is how it should be.

Section 42, subsection J, Line 26 states: “The team must bottle Johan’s sweat and sell it to the masses”.

Seems a little unsanitary but let’s not kid ourselves, we would all buy this.

Section 43, subsection D states: “Johan will be serenaded by Beyonce before and after every game.”

Um, yes please.

This next one was the oddest stipulation we found. Judge for yourselves.

Section 45 states: “The team must provide Johan with the Millennium Falcon to travel to and from training and games in”.

Can’t lie, this is pretty awesome. We’d be upset if this obligation wasn’t met also.

These were just some of the contract stipulations that stood out to us. Our two biggest takeaways are Johan is clearly in the right by expressing his frustration with the club and secondly, he has himself one hell of an agent.