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Are You Suffering from MNUFC Withdrawal?

Five treatment plans guaranteed to help you hold it together until game day next weekend

MLS: Columbus Crew SC at Minnesota United FC Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

Are you having trouble sleeping? Do you feel irritable? Depressed? Do your arms feel kind of itchy?

Me too. We’re suffering from Minnesota United withdrawal. Suffering through the MLS break has been brutal, with only a toss-away friendly against Atlas FC to give us something to watch.

If you’re still jonesing for some Loons, try these five treatment plans to help hold it together and gut it out until United host the Dynamo on Wednesday.

Treatment plan number one: Stadium Watch

We have all spent a couple of hours staring at the clip on the MNUFC Twitter feed of construction at the stadium site. Some of us might have even rear ended a car or two along the frontage road going west approaching Snelling Avenue as we stare dreamily to our right and fail to notice cars stopping for the red light.

Why not make a day of it? Pack some sandwiches, a few brewskies, and several lawn chairs, text some friends, pile into a car and drive down to the site. Set up camp next to one of those beautiful “Minnesota MLS Stadium” signs, kick back, and watch the fellas work. Make up some clever chants for the workers: “MNUFC (repeat), construction is what we like to see (repeat).” The east or west ends are probably the best places to hang out and not get hit by a car. Take selfies of you and your buds with trucks moving dirt in the background, then tweet them to @NYCFC. #Don’tYouWishYouHadOneOfThese?

Treatment plan number two: Augmented Reality

Find a room in your house or apartment that doesn’t have any sharp objects or explosives. Clear out most of the major obstacles, then go to the center of the room and spin around twenty times fast, chanting “There’s no place like TCF Bank.” After twenty spins, brace yourself then allow yourself to fall down kind of hard onto the floor. You want to hit your head hard enough to damage your short term memory. When you come to, fire up your MLS Live account, set it to non-spoiler mode, and pretend like it’s the beginning of the season.

First, watch the recent Portland game and assume it’s the season opener. Then watch the home game against Sporting Kansas City, followed by the home game against Real Salt Lake. Wow, we’re undefeated! Then, just to make this augmented reality seem more compelling, throw in some gentle adversity. Watch the road draw at Houston, then the loss to the Galaxy. Kind of a rough patch, but we still outplayed them. Then wrap things up by watching the home games against Colorado and Orlando. Go to bed after the Orlando game, apply a cold compress to your head, and sleep like a baby.

Treatment plan number three: Sammy

When Loons games finally start up again, we will have some new Loons. Surely the most exciting one as of press time is winger Sam Nicholson. Do a Google image search for Sam Nicholson and print about 20 pictures. Using the fifth hit – the one where he is wearing a hat, leaning back and smiling with a grassy hill in the background – as a centerpiece, make a decorative collage of Nicholson images. For best results, juxtapose intense action shots with more casual poses. When you finish the collage, tape it to the wall next to your bed, where you can see it before you go to sleep.

Next, play loud rock and roll music while watching Youtube highlights of Nicholson. Watch the one where he 'megs the defender then paints it into the upper corner approximately 17 times.

Note: this treatment will only be effective if you strike from your memory the weeks during February where you watched Youtube highlights of Bashkim Kadril and Rasmus Schuller.

Treatment plan number four: Persuasive Essay

Channel all that frustration about the Miguel Ibarra benching against Columbus by writing a persuasive essay. Go to the Common Core State Standards for English page to find a rubric for your writing product before you start. Yes, that’s right, you need good sentence variety, credible evidence, and graceful transitions.

MLS: Vancouver Whitecaps FC at Minnesota United FC Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Next, develop a cluster map of reasons why Miguel is highly effective on the wing and therefore crucial to our attack. Pick your three most important reasons, and use each of these as an anchor and topic sentence for your main body paragraphs. Don’t forget to write a compelling introduction and a conclusion that reiterates your main points and provides closure. When you are finished typing your persuasive five-paragraph essay, have your sister proof read it, put it into an envelope, and send it to Adrian Heath, care of MNUFC, Blaine, MN. There, doesn’t that feel better!

Treatment plan number five: new Loons in town

So all the reliable sources say we get three to four new players this window. Nicholson is one of them, and Brandon Allen is on the way to provide depth behind Christian Ramirez. That much we know. Lay in your bed, flat on your back, with two pillows under your head. Close your eyes and use your imagination to figure out who the next one or two players will be.

If you have had a particularly hard day, and your arms are really itchy, think about Alexi Sanchez. He’s done with the Confederations Cup, his tenure at Arsenal is getting stale, and he is looking for new opportunities. We can bring him in to “challenge for a starting position” either on the wing or at the number 10 spot. Yeah, that’s it, Alexis Sanchez!

Alternatively, let your dreamy thoughts take you to the signing of Anders Lindegaard to shore up the goal keeping situation. He used to play for Manchester United and his name is really fun to say: “Lindegaaaaard.” When you wake up and learn that this was just a dream, and we didn’t actually use an international slot and a chunk of TAM to sign another Scandinavian guy to back up to Bobby Shuttleworth, you will be so relieved that you will have your best day in weeks.

Use any permutation of the above treatments as directed until game day next weekend. Side effects may include but are not limited to: a runny nose, elevated expectations, headaches, and being struck by moving automobiles.