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MINvDCU is MLS Live’s free match of the week for some reason

“I know how we’ll draw in new views,” said the MLS Live marketing specialist. “Show the two worst teams in the league ... FOR FREE.”

Major League Soccer shocked the sporting world Friday as they announced they would broadcast the highest profile match of the week for free over their streaming platform, MLS Live.

D.C. United travels to take on Minnesota United this Saturday in a clash of underperforming titans. While nearly every club in the league has found a way to field a roster at least marginally better than a Division 3 college team, Minnesota and D.C. have shown remarkable resolution in their pursuit of the coveted MLS Wooden Spoon.

“Look, there’s just no way we make the playoffs this year,” admitted a hollow-eyed Adrian Heath. “But I’ll be damned if I don’t get us a trophy one way or another. We’re going to mount that spoon in the new stadium. Hope that’s okay with those alliance folks.”

The wood spoon is an unofficial award given annually to the worst team in the league. In lieu of promotion/relegation, the award...

“Sorry, can I just cut in quick and again say how the league is missing out on LITERALLY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS by not having pro/rel!? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!” said a clearly agitated pro/rel.

Thanks for that, friend. A well thought out and valuable addition to the discussion, as usual. Please don’t @ me.

Anyway, both teams are bottom feeders, currently sitting in last (D.C.) and second-to-last (Minnesota) place in the entire league.

The match will kick off at 7 pm Central at TCF Bank Stadium, a facility long hailed as the Mecca of professional athletes looking to pick up a nagging knee injury.

“We’ll water the pitch with the tears of season ticket holders like usual,” said groundskeeper Al Sherry, “but it would still be safer for the guys to play on the final corner of the Daytona Speedway.”

With a mounting injury count, Minnesota’s depth chart is looking dangerously shallow just 24 hours ahead of the contest. A club source confirmed to E Pluribus Loonum that a few lucky season ticket holders were getting the call today to suit up with the team and possibly even start at centerback.

MLS Live is the league’s proprietary streaming platform. For a one-time purchase of $80, fans can get access to an entire season of high definition buffering symbols as the platform grinds to a halt in the 80th minute of your team’s big match.

“We take a lot of pride in operating this service like it’s still 1995,” says Vice President of Technology Todd Schiff. “Despite the ubiquity of home entertainment consoles like the Xbox and Playstation, we have absolutely zero intention of bringing a native MLS Live application to those devices. We’re also big fans of Windows Vista.”

Actual information on the free MLS Live match can be found here.