The news came out this week that Minnesota United was eliminated from the most prestigious trophy in American soccer: the Supporters’ Shield.
.@MNUFC have been mathematically eliminated from the #MLS Supporters' Shield race.#MNUFC— MLS Magic Number (@MLSmagicnumber) August 24, 2017
Disgust was a prominent reaction from many fans. “In all of my time as a fan, I can never remember a season where an expansion team didn’t win the Shield,” recalls a first-year supporter who recently Googled what the Supporters’ Shield is.
Some fans were so furious with their team’s shortcoming, they feel they cannot continue to support the Loons. “I’m heartbroken,” explains one fan, who was carrying a sign depicting Minnesota’s players with a letter “L” on their foreheads, “How will fans of the other 20 teams who won’t win the Shield cope? We shouldn’t have to put up with this.”
It is only to be expected that the poor souls who saved space in their phone’s camera roll for grainy photos of the Loons holding the trophy aloft needed someone to blame. The scapegoat varied, but rage was consistent. “That [expletive] Ethan Finlay,” screams a fan who admits they have never seen him play in person, “If he hadn’t been playing so well for the Columbus Crew, we might still be in this thing.”
Among those blamed was star Christian Ramirez. “It’s because of his nickname,” mourns a supporter donning a Marvel Universe shirt, “If he had picked Iron Man instead of some stupid superhero with a low voice we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
Distraught fans turned to social media to grieve. One video, posted late Wednesday night, showed a man setting customized his Jerome Thiesson jersey on fire. He can be heard intermittently screaming the words “why couldn’t we have eleven of you?!” between sobs. Another fan released an audio recording of “Wonderwall” transposed into a minor key. The haunting lyrics “By now you should’ve somehow/realized what you gotta do” and “I don’t believe that anybody/feels the way I do, about you now” echoed around the Twin Cities area during the morning commute.
A puffy-eyed Manny Lagos addressed reporters this morning, hoarsely promising to “sign more wingers until we bring the Shield to Minnesota.”
There was one bemused fan roaming the streets in an intact Minnesota United jersey and hat. When asked how she could bear to don the colors of a failing club, she simply responded, “Were we ever in contention?”
We will have updates as her condition continues to deteriorate.
This is a satirical piece, and not in the slightest true (except the “eliminated from Supporter’s Shield contention” thing, that happened). Quotes are entirely fictional. There’s always next year, or the year after that, or the year after that, or...