Editor’s Note: The following story is a satire; it’s not true, except for the introduction about the suit sponsor. That actually happened.
Minnesota United’s all about fashion these days. First, it was the Microsoft Paint-designed home kits of last season, then a custom suit company this season. “Players can look their best off the field in order to perform their best on the field,” raved the club in the deal announcement.
With success strikingly hard to come by this season, the Loons have taken their fashion-forward plan one step further: socks.
“At first we laughed about the idea of a sock sponsor,” said one United executive. “But then we saw the loss to D.C. United, and we knew we needed to look better off the field if we want to make the playoffs.”
The conversion factor for looks to goals hasn’t been pinpointed, confirmed one member of the coaching staff, but “we’re estimating about 1.7 extra goals per game with these deals,” he said.
Of course, players won’t wear the new socks on the field, because that would break MLS’s uniform contract with Adidas. But the club executive stressed that this move was solely to build confidence outside of matches. “Think about how good you feel when your socks look good,” he said. “You ever feel so confident in your socks that you just want to take your shoes off and show your feet to the world? That’s how our players will feel in these socks, but they’ll score goals instead of going sock-foot.”
“It’s true,” admitted one player, who requested anonymity out of embarrassment. “When I was in college, I’d wear the dress socks they gave me when I was recruit — it was like a good luck charm for me.”
That player is currently under investigation by the NCAA for receiving compensation from his school as part of the recruiting process.
“This was a no-brainer,” said the sock company’s chief financial officer in a statement. “Every time a player scores, their celebration will feature the whole team performing a line dance that ends with them pretending to pull on our socks. Plus, the visibility is simply unbeatable.”
Reports that players were accidentally mailed the brand’s “no-show” model of sock have not been confirmed.
The club executive declined to elaborate on the possibility of another fashion-oriented sponsor for the purpose of defense, citing open negotiations. Rumors that fedoras could soon be on the way have set the locker room alight.
“We could be the most professional looking team out there,” said one defender of the potential head-to-toe outfit. “If only we could look professional while defending our 18-yard box, too.”
Despite the company’s cheapest model costing a hefty $49.99 a pair, fans are eager to get their heads on merchandise from United’s latest affiliate.
“I’ve already switched to Bell Bank, Allianz insurance and my Circle Rock suit is on the way,” said one supporter. “I’m going to have to cancel my season tickets to afford all of this, but it’s totally worth it. Imagine what my boss will say when he sees my socks. Somebody’s gettin’ a raise!”
Some fans, however, are more cynical. “A sock sponsor?” asked one flabbergasted follower. “And that’s going to help them win games? I can’t with this team.”
That fan be even even more disappointed to learn that the club has abandoned their pre-scheduled scouting trip to Argentina for fashion week in Milan.
We’ll be on the ground there with team coverage as the Loons continue to set records for the use of the “ ” emoji during pregame Instagram posts.