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Satire: Help us make Soft Launch Lounge a reality

We’d like to get our skin in the Allianz Field concessions game.

STP 500 Photo by Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images

Allianz Field is going to be pretty great.

Part of that greatness will hopefully come in the food options, which are now in the works. Minnesota United recently opened an application for food vendors.

We want in.

Below is a portion of our proposed menu for Soft Launch Lounge, the minimalist but marketably upscale concourse option that we’ve needed for years.

The Non-Existent Loan Move

The best way to get things started and begin developing your appetite is not by entering with a smaller dish to ease your way in. Rather go in at full strength and eat as much as possible, even though you’ve got no shot of eating it all.

The B bby

It’s a ham sandwich, we think. We’re not really for sure though, because the bread is impenetrable. We carefully toast our double-thick rye bread for 33 hours before serving. Also, the American Dental Association reminds us to advise you of the dangers of this dish. Please do not consume if you have dentures, orthodontic devices or teeth. Reports of pain similar to that of a kick to the face have been reported.

Fish & Quints

A lovely fillet of fresh-caught cod is paired with Darwin Quintero’s signature dish: chips. We do offer a family three-pack that comes in a souvenir hat.

The Item Formerly Known as the Christian Ramirez

Also known as Heartbreak Hotdish, we’ll give you an empty dish that’s full of potential. Please note: IOUs for $1 million Garber Bucks are served on a first come, first served basis while supplies last.

The Road Defeat

We hope you like some spice. Every time you think you can handle these buffalo wings and finally beat the heat, but there’s always too much to handle. We wish you luck in eating all of them, because a “poor” performance will do you in.

Ice Cream a la Thiesson

Cool off with this refreshing treat, a sweet tribute to Jerry himself. Swiss chocolate and some entertaining Instagram hashtags on your choice of ice cream flavor is sure to be a fan favorite.

The Snowpener

We enter our cocktail section with a goodie. At first, the cherry flavored snow cone is encouraging, but then the sour hits, and not long after, straight whiskey that burns like only a 1-6 defeat to Atlanta United can.

The Playoff Push

This drink is served in a souvenir glass that has a red line encircling the top. But no matter how much we say that we’ll fill it to the line, we always come up short.

The Third D.P.

Come back in 2020. It’s better with age, they tell us.

Scandavian Craft Beers (assorted)

Our rotating selection of Northern-European beers never fails to disappoint. Be sure to order the Demidov special: our most expensive item that you’ll love to release.

Got other menu ideas? Let us know in the comments/replies below!